Tag Archives: humor

Fashion Does Not Live Here

I’ve always had issues with my clothes because I’ve always had issues with my body.  In all seriousness I have clothes for six different women in my closet; the sizes range from jumbo maternity clothes to a size 4 (my wedding dress proves I was thin…for about five minutes).

However, even if I discount all the sizes there are other issues; of which, you might be able to relate.

Being a Christian causes a problem for any woman buying clothes in today’s world.  It is virtually impossible for me to find clothes without low cut necklines or low cut thong lines.  On a good day I might find clothes that my Grandma would not like to borrow. On a bad day I am stuck with clothes that are so tight that they could be mistaken for sausage casing.  

Then there is the climate in which I live. Hot, hotter and the rim of Hades…as much as I would like to cover up the truth is that I’m sweating like a sinner in church and would prefer to wear a swimming pool if at all possible.

So on any typical day after I’ve cast out everything that doesn’t fit, could be classified as “Streetwalker-esque” or might elicit Brawny-sized paper towel sweats; the only article I’m left with is the sheet off my bed.

So, later when you see me in my toga just smile and wave…




I recently asked my nephews a question.

“If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?”

(answer from the 7 yr. old)  “Sonic.”

At that very moment we were sitting at Sonic having lunch.

The older one chastised the younger one for what he thought was a stupid answer so I asked him the same question.

(answer from the 10 yr. old)   “AC/DC concert.”

It would appear that Brian Johnson and Wacky Packs have replaced G.I. Joe and PB&J’s.


Bandwagon, will you please take me to the Apple store?

A phone is a phone, is a phone, is a phone…unless it is the iPhone and then it is M-A-G-I-C!

I don’t buy things because everyone else buys things. I’ve always been a non- conformist in that way. In fact, the phrase “you must get one” will make me back away quicker than the Beatles did from Yoko Ono.  Keeping up with the Joneses is about as low on my to-do list as cleaning out the Diaper Genie. After all, I’m the girl who didn’t carry a cell phone for five years because I found its popular appeal obnoxious.

Which leads me to my topic.

Like many others I thought the iPhone was just another marketing ploy to get Name Brand-suckers to spend a King’s Ransom on a piece of technology that could do the same job as its cheaper competitors.

I. Was. Wrong.

My Man brought home a shiny new iPhone last night and I confiscated it quicker than you could say 3G.

Like everyone else with a pulse I had seen the commercials about Apple apps. I heard what other people had to say but I didn’t really get it until I had one in my hot little hands. No wonder there are throngs of people in the Apple Store all the time.


I couldn’t put the thing down. From about 7pm to midnight I was downloading Shazam, Bump, Tweet Deck, Ambiance and Score Center.  My daughter suddenly wondered what happened to Mommy and why she couldn’t stop shaking Daddy’s new toy because of thing called the Urbanspoon.

I even SLEPT with the thing! (only because I found this great WhiteNoise app and went to sleep with a soothing grandfather clock ticking lightly in my ears-Ahhh…heaven).

One thing is clear. The iphone is so technologically advanced that it might as well be Tinker Bell’s fairy dust.

Christmas will be in September this year, and the iPhone is on the tippy top of Mamma’s list.


Holy Cardstock, Batman!

There is just something about school supply season. It truly is a beautiful thing; rows and rows of neon post-its, stacks and stacks of multi-colored binders and the crayons, Oh, the crayons! You can find me humming “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” while I unabashedly smell new packages of freshly sharpened pencils.

I can’t really quantify why I have warm fuzzy feelings for school supplies but I do. It is one of those freak fetishes that exist in very rare people. Some girls have a thing for fine leather shoes; I have one for fine tipped ball point pens. It’s weird but I swear it is the god’s honest truth.

As a child I was famous for coordinating all my school supplies to my favorite cartoons.  One year it was Care Bears; I had everything from a Funshine Bear thermos to a Grumpy Bear Craft eraser…it was perfect synergy. Similar successful years followed with Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Bright. My prized possession was always my lunch box and I quote John Mayer here,  

            “whatever happened to my lunchbox
            when came the day when it got
           thrown away
          don’t you think I should have had some say in that decision”.

Perhaps school supplies remind me of those bygone days when my only responsibilities in life were to color inside the lines and remember to bring home my pink hoodie.

 It was a simpler time then. 

Around the time I learned to French-braid my own hair I  abandoned my childish character school supplies for serious college ruled junior high school supplies. However, I never lost the excitement of meandering down the aisles at Wal-Mart in search of folders that would express exactly who I was. There were always notebooks just waiting to be filled with spelling lists and pastel note cards just begging to be made into vocabulary flashcards.

When high school and college came along retro was cool again…Praise God! It became socially acceptable for me to tote around a My Little Pony book bag even if I was the only one brave [dorky] enough to do it.

Graduation has come and gone and even though I have birthed a child of my own the kid in me goes into overdrive every year around this time. During the next few weeks the urge will get the better of me and my husband will ask why he saw a receipt for an unusual amount of school supplies.  While I will tell him it is a donation for our local school supply drive I will not divulge that I spent two hours picking out said school supplies with unrestrained jubilance, then donated them with tearful morning. It’s similar to selling a litter of puppies that you know you can’t keep [Sigh].

I know my school supplies will find a good home in the backpack of some unsuspecting elementary student and for that reason I hope that He/She really likes the Jonas Brothers.

My only memento of this year’s school supplies season is a single bright orange Sharpie. I brought it home and in big beautiful bubble letters, that could rival any 4th grader, I scrawled on a notepad…I [heart] school supplies.