The Express-Hole

Whoever said God is without a sense of humor will undoubtedly find themselves the victim of Divine-humor in the coming future. It probably won’t be a pie-in-the-face kind of thing but it will be good for a chuckle.

Case in point, God knows I struggle with patience which is why the following event is funny. I recently spent what felt like my entire morning behind an Express-Hole at Wal-Mart.  For those of you that never heard the term it is because you are an Express-Hole and people are calling you one behind your back OR you are ignorant of new slang. If you are the latter the definition is this:

Any person who has more than the amount of items listed for the express lane and jerk-ishly checks out anyway!

If you are the former- may God have mercy on your soul.

I am a mother of a small child; she is two years old so my visits into the outside word of social order and decorum must be limited and free from any stimulus that might send her into a tantrum. When I finished shopping my items were: deodorant, gum and pull-ups and yes, I had used the last of all of these items so I couldn’t just abandon my basket and leave the store.

As I pulled into the express lane the Express-Hole moved in front of me, (being cut off isn’t just an automotive term) I took one look at her basket and gently said,

“Oh, this is the express lane” and pointed casually to the sign that clearly read 15 items or less.

I truly believed she hadn’t seen her error; but I was wrong which is why she was a HUGE Express-Hole.

As I live and breathe the woman actually responded with, “I hope you packed your patience,” and began to unload her products on the belt.

It is a wonderful thing that God gave us the ability to think before we speak because I actually thought something that shouldn’t be repeated.

My second thought was to simply find another line but I noticed that the fifty-seven other registers were all predictably closed and the open ones were just as long as my line if not longer.

At the very least the Express-Hole could have let me and my three items go first, but oh-no, she was in pure Express-Hole form.  Particularly because she tried to use coupons that had expired and asked to speak with the manager about a loaf of bread that was shelved under the wrong price.

After an amount of time that was just shy of me bleeding out my eyes, the Express-Hole finally finished checking out. I restrained myself from following her out to her car and committing vehicular retaliation…but it was difficult, very difficult.


4 responses to “The Express-Hole

  1. Suddenly we are surrounded by people who think they are the only ones left on the planet but, places are more crowded than ever! My remedy…shop after 9:00pm. It is the only way I know not to totally lose it 🙂

  2. I think you pretty much have to go into the grocery store with the attitude that no matter what happens you aren’t going to let others suck away your joy.

    Yesterday, I had only made it as far as produce, when a woman came up to me, looked me in the eye and said, “they hate me here, so I am going somewhere else.” I was speechless.

    However, I kept running into her throughout the store, so she apparently did not go somewhere else. All I could do was smile to try to let her know that she really wasn’t “hated”.

    I’m not sure why the grocery store seems to bring out the worst in people! You know they are probably really nice as long as they aren’t confronted with mis-priced bread or the overwhelming desire to use the express lane when they have a full cart.

  3. Oh. My. Gosh. I think my blood pressure went up a few notches just IMAGINING your situation! I have an almost-2-year-old myself, so I can imagine it well.

    Well. Good for you and your restraint. I hope you didn’t roll your eyes and sigh audibly anyway…because I guarantee that’s what I would’ve done.

    Because I’m never annoying or inconsiderate. Nope, not me. 😉

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